Dennis posed that question to me last night. I was a little amazed to find that I no longer have the same burning intensity to want to be a bigshot counsellor that commands $300/hour (Okay, I was dreaming a little too big, but I DID want so badly to be a good counsellor and help many people with their problems). Maybe it's being spurned from countless agencies to people saying, you're much too hands-on, I don't think you're cut out to be the sit-on-the-couch kind of therapist, that have slowly put out the flame for wanting to help people in any way I can.

I never thought this would be how it would turn out. Since I was 12 I always wanted to be a psychologist, and now that I've come halfway to being one, I realize it's not all it's made out to be. Truth be told, I'm aware of how much an idealist I am, and that my utopia is probably ten miles from what reality is, still - I never thought it would be so wrought with obstacles.

There, I said it. I'm such a weakling, really. I want to give up on this silly dream - to stop being rejected by people when all I want is to volunteer my time. The key word here being volunteer. Who rejects free service anyway?! It's made me look and think twice about the whole social service sector and if it's really what I envisioned it to be. The rich psychologists wax lyrical about how they enjoy talking to people, making valuable interactions, or write self-help books, and hold seminars for people with various disabilities. I acknowledge that most of it is pretty useful even, but it's just discolouring the whole notion of my fantasy. All of it just seems to be about money.

So depressing.

I never figured I'd strike out so easily.

I do still want to counsel and do whatever I can, but I'm finding it so tedious to apply and sit through the tests they admininster and all that psychoanalyzing and then find out that I'm not 100% suited that I'm just about ready to throw in the towel.

What a dumb dream.

Maybe I should've studied something else and had big dreams about being a millionaire - that's what most kids dream about isn't it?
Seems like everyone who did dream that, has landed somewhere nice and comfortable whereas all I ever wanted to do was help people and look where I am? Positively no where. Nowhere. NOWHERE.

So, left with other options, I'm going to do something that I think will be fun and enriching and that would enable me make my own rules and I promise not to be as mean and unpleasant as all those other people have been to me.

Hmpf.

In an unrelated note, I do really need new clothes. People's park and City Plaza sometime soon, anyone?

So as it turns out, the powers that be would rather have me in print/fashion rather than with pets. It doesn't matter to me anyway because fashion is just as exciting. Admittedly, I'm no fashionista but what the heck, maybe after this stint, I will be! Haha! Actually, I don't really care where they put me as long as it's not IT.

I'm dreading the early morning commute to that godforsaken industrial area where lechers are a dime a dozen.

But I won't dwell on it anymore, since I've decided what to do, I'll follow through, and make the most of it!

I don't remember what I came here to say but I do remember being told to expect to be criticized! Gah, perhaps it's time to stock up on my self-esteem. Well, I do have zero nada zilch experience in editorial work anyway, so here's good luck to me!

I want to excel in this. I really, really do.

So I shed my red rimmed glasses for a classic pair of "army" ones as they are more widely known. I like to think of them as my Geek Specs because they make me look really nerdy or so my mom attests. In any case, I agree with her and you know what? I really dig them!

They are plastic and just wide enough so when I swivel my eyes, I don't get a vision of half-prescription-lenses-and-half-blur-mess, which is just ace in my opinion. Other than that, it's cool enough that I don't look too dorky to wear them out when I don't feel like wearing my contact lenses (read: when I am too lazy to put them on). An added advantage is how much more teacher-ish I appear to be when I go to school to teach.

Speaking of which, my teaching stint has come to a close and I'm about ready for another adventure.

God, in His great and mighty ways, has splendid plans in store for me and the first of many is my new editorial internship at Pets Magazine!

My acceptance into the editorial fold has been met with some apprehension and a tinge of sadness on my part - the freedom I've gotten so used to will be wrenched away from me for a good long time to come and I'll be saying hello to crowded buses and trains in the mornings. Not to mention how tired I will be in the evenings after work and I won't have time for anyone or anything!

On the other hand, I do have a lot of positive things to look forward to and by stating them here I'm hoping to psych myself up for the job.

So let's go!

• i will be able to learn what really goes on in real editorial work
• i will be working with pets of all sorts! (this is infinitely more enticing)
• i might have a chance to actually put my DSLR skills to the test (and further my dreams of being a NatGeo photo-journalist)
• i'll be doing something i truly enjoy - like writing, and writing about pets and animals
• i will be learning more about the pet scene in Singapore and perhaps be able to save a good number from being culled
• i will know more about pets in general and be able to spread that knowledge around so pets everywhere can have good lives!
• i will be able to understand my own pets better

I know I'm getting a little carried away but I do think my ploy is working - I already feel 80% psyched! Haha. Which in any case is a good thing because I'm going for the job as planned anyway.

So there we have it, an end only leads to a new beginning and we'll see where that will bring me. I'm going to ignore any detractors who tell me that the pay is shit (so what? I don't work for money. I want to work because it makes me happy and because I can learn things which is infinitely more fulfilling than doing a dull job with great pay.), or that I should be doing something related to my degree (admittedly psychology and journalism aren't quite the tight pairing, but again, so what? Will it make you feel better to know I do volunteer work at some VWOs and the like, thereby deepening my roots in the psychology sector?), or any other nonsense for that matter and now I realize I'm getting all defensive for a bit there. Sorry!

It's just that sometimes moms, with all their love for you, don't really see what their child really needs. But as it's been since as long as I can remember, I've only done things that I feel would make me happy, because it's my life to lead after all.

I didn't think I would ramble on for so long, but now that I have, I figure it's time I stopped.

I just want to take a moment before I go to be thankful for all the things I have and for how things have turned out for me. Whether it's through God's sleight of hand or my own destiny, it's been a ride so far and I love everything in my life - so cliche but so true.

Here's a shoutout to my God (I've never been religious. I don't read the bible, or go to church on Sundays, or sing any hymns. But pray I do, because in some ways I just know He's there to listen and make things right. And that, He does, with great aplomb.) that I love You and I thank You for all that you've given me.

xoxo!

It always catches me like this. I start, then I stumble, then I never know what to say anymore, or how to feel. I think I know what I want, but when I think about it, it slips from my grasp and I am as lost as I was before. These in-limbo feelings can mess me up so much. I never really know what I want. Or rather, having known that I can't have what I want, I don't know what to settle for. Second best? What is second best? I don't know.

It's one of those times where I know myself so well it paralyses me. I can't move. Sometimes it kills me that i live in my head so much. But it's the only way I know how. And the only way I can get through the humdrum days of boring and uninspiring reality. There is so much more to life than this world sees. Then what it really is. Am I the only who sees it? Do I always have to feel so alone? I'm asking all the wrong questions. Wanting all the wrong things. I feel naked here. I want to cry, to bawl my eyes out, but where's the reason in that? It goes, like everything does. I want something to fight for. Something bigger than me. Bigger than the stupidity of money, of exams, of the government, of politics, of everything that makes people selfish and jealous and guarded. I want time to stop. I want to feel alive.

I challenge authority. I know that. I rebel. Sometimes without a cause. I go against the stream. Because it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel 'out there'. Living, pushing buttons, pushing my boundaries. I hate this confined life we're subjected to, by society, by ourselves.

This rant is unending. A fucking vicious cycle. I need something other than this.