Dennis posed that question to me last night. I was a little amazed to find that I no longer have the same burning intensity to want to be a bigshot counsellor that commands $300/hour (Okay, I was dreaming a little too big, but I DID want so badly to be a good counsellor and help many people with their problems). Maybe it's being spurned from countless agencies to people saying, you're much too hands-on, I don't think you're cut out to be the sit-on-the-couch kind of therapist, that have slowly put out the flame for wanting to help people in any way I can.

I never thought this would be how it would turn out. Since I was 12 I always wanted to be a psychologist, and now that I've come halfway to being one, I realize it's not all it's made out to be. Truth be told, I'm aware of how much an idealist I am, and that my utopia is probably ten miles from what reality is, still - I never thought it would be so wrought with obstacles.

There, I said it. I'm such a weakling, really. I want to give up on this silly dream - to stop being rejected by people when all I want is to volunteer my time. The key word here being volunteer. Who rejects free service anyway?! It's made me look and think twice about the whole social service sector and if it's really what I envisioned it to be. The rich psychologists wax lyrical about how they enjoy talking to people, making valuable interactions, or write self-help books, and hold seminars for people with various disabilities. I acknowledge that most of it is pretty useful even, but it's just discolouring the whole notion of my fantasy. All of it just seems to be about money.

So depressing.

I never figured I'd strike out so easily.

I do still want to counsel and do whatever I can, but I'm finding it so tedious to apply and sit through the tests they admininster and all that psychoanalyzing and then find out that I'm not 100% suited that I'm just about ready to throw in the towel.

What a dumb dream.

Maybe I should've studied something else and had big dreams about being a millionaire - that's what most kids dream about isn't it?
Seems like everyone who did dream that, has landed somewhere nice and comfortable whereas all I ever wanted to do was help people and look where I am? Positively no where. Nowhere. NOWHERE.

So, left with other options, I'm going to do something that I think will be fun and enriching and that would enable me make my own rules and I promise not to be as mean and unpleasant as all those other people have been to me.

Hmpf.

In an unrelated note, I do really need new clothes. People's park and City Plaza sometime soon, anyone?